How I Met Your…Mother?

Sometimes the gossip and gab of Hollywood will get the best of you, it’s cool don’t worry; you’re only human. Who wouldn’t be enthralled by the constant fucking train wreck that is Britney Spears? You’ve got scandal, you’ve got kids out of wedlock, you’ve got drugs, alcohol, money…ultimately it makes the perfect sitcom. But which sitcom you may ask? Obviously if you read the fucking title you know already, but this picture is going to seal the deal for you my friends. That’s right, the horribly under appreciated CBS comedy How I Met Your Mother!

It’s almost as-if the head honchos at CBS saw this from the beginning; they saw the frayed pop-star run down from her hectic schedule from the time she was 16. They saw that she was popping kids out of her twat faster than Barney could say “Suit Up!”. Now, let’s not go into too much detail about the actual characters of the sitcom, that’s not the point here. Here’s a quick rundown of the characters on How I Met Britney Spears would go down:

• Britney : Obviously she’s the main character, we focus on her fledgling career while the paparazzi for some reason still think that she’s a bankable celebrity. Throughout her everyday life she encounters such obstacles as: driving a fucking car, holding her kids without cracking their fucking skull on the pavement, wearing underwear, and finding a new wig.

• K-Fed : He may not seem like an integral part later in the show, but those first few months will be magical! What a story! Backup dancer turned millionaire — just by impregnating a whore! His calling card will be “why the fuck am I famous? I’m just a dancer that stuck my dick into a wet hole and knocked someone up.”

• Lutfi : Lutfi would be described as the manager…wait no…spiritual advisor….wait no…lawyer? No that’s still not right…what the fuck does this guy do, anyway? We know he drugs her. We know he drives her. We know he “heroically” puts his hands up in front of those dastardly cameras. So I guess that makes him…yeah, still drawing a blank. Moving on.

• Adnan : Paparazzi turned husband! If you believe the rumors, anyway. How awesome would it be to be Adnan for one day? Forget K-Fed, this dude has it going on. One minute he’s frantically chasing down b-list celebrities to snap a possible crotch shot, and the next he lucks up by snapping train-wrecks crotch and she falls in love. If Disney doesn’t option this for their next animated fairy tale, I’m moving to Canada.

• Aguilera : The bitch that the story is REALLY about! Who has benefited most from Britney Spears turning into a mumbling vegetable? That’s right baby, X-Tina! She was the dark-horse in the pop race, then she “re-invented” herself about 3 times, had all the critics saying wow this bitch can actually sing, but it took a healthy marriage and a baby to show just how inherently fucked Britney Spears is compared to other pop stars. You had the masses screaming on the roof tops about how any teenager that breaks big into any kind of show business would be brain-dead by the time they were 21 but somehow she’s broken that mold. Kudos to you.

So the question remains: would the general public watch this show? Got news for ya folks, you already are. Every time you plop down 4 bucks for US Weekly, Star, Enquirer, et al you’re buying into the ratings. Every time you visit your favorite gossip drag queens site, you’re feeding the ratings. There’s a cliche that goes “all good things must come to an end” or “all good things must cost extra”, I forget which one, but regardless that cliche seems to be holding true as of now. Rehab!??! Parents back in the picture?!? Seeing her kids?!?! WEARING UNDERWEAR???? This is fucking madness, Britney. Please come back to us in your normal time-slot.

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