February 29th, 2008 at 3:53 PM.
Sometimes the gossip and gab of Hollywood will get the best of you, it’s cool don’t worry; you’re only human. Who wouldn’t be enthralled by the constant fucking train wreck that is Britney Spears? You’ve got scandal, you’ve got kids out of wedlock, you’ve got drugs, alcohol, money…ultimately it makes the perfect sitcom. But which sitcom you may ask? Obviously if you read the fucking title you know already, but this picture is going to seal the deal for you my friends. That’s right, the horribly under appreciated CBS comedy How I Met Your Mother!
It’s almost as-if the head honchos at CBS saw this from the beginning; they saw the frayed pop-star run down from her hectic schedule from the time she was 16. They saw that she was popping kids out of her twat faster than Barney could say “Suit Up!”. Now, let’s not go into too much detail about the actual characters of the sitcom, that’s not the point here. Here’s a quick rundown of the characters on How I Met Britney Spears would go down:
- Britney : Obviously she’s the main character, we focus on her fledgling career while the paparazzi for some reason still think that she’s a bankable celebrity. Throughout her everyday life she encounters such obstacles as: driving a fucking car, holding her kids without cracking their fucking skull on the pavement, wearing underwear, and finding a new wig.
- K-Fed : He may not seem like an integral part later in the show, but those first few months will be magical! What a story! Backup dancer turned millionaire — just by impregnating a whore! His calling card will be “why the fuck am I famous? I’m just a dancer that stuck my dick into a wet hole and knocked someone up.”
- Lutfi : Lutfi would be described as the manager…wait no…spiritual advisor….wait no…lawyer? No that’s still not right…what the fuck does this guy do, anyway? We know he drugs her. We know he drives her. We know he “heroically” puts his hands up in front of those dastardly cameras. So I guess that makes him…yeah, still drawing a blank. Moving on.
- Adnan : Paparazzi turned husband! If you believe the rumors, anyway. How awesome would it be to be Adnan for one day? Forget K-Fed, this dude has it going on. One minute he’s frantically chasing down b-list celebrities to snap a possible crotch shot, and the next he lucks up by snapping train-wrecks crotch and she falls in love. If Disney doesn’t option this for their next animated fairy tale, I’m moving to Canada.
- Aguilera : The bitch that the story is REALLY about! Who has benefited most from Britney Spears turning into a mumbling vegetable? That’s right baby, X-Tina! She was the dark-horse in the pop race, then she “re-invented” herself about 3 times, had all the critics saying wow this bitch can actually sing, but it took a healthy marriage and a baby to show just how inherently fucked Britney Spears is compared to other pop stars. You had the masses screaming on the roof tops about how any teenager that breaks big into any kind of show business would be brain-dead by the time they were 21 but somehow she’s broken that mold. Kudos to you.
So the question remains: would the general public watch this show? Got news for ya folks, you already are. Every time you plop down 4 bucks for US Weekly, Star, Enquirer, et al you’re buying into the ratings. Every time you visit your favorite gossip drag queens site, you’re feeding the ratings. There’s a cliche that goes “all good things must come to an end” or “all good things must cost extra”, I forget which one, but regardless that cliche seems to be holding true as of now. Rehab!??! Parents back in the picture?!? Seeing her kids?!?! WEARING UNDERWEAR???? This is fucking madness, Britney. Please come back to us in your normal time-slot.
Posted in: news
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February 29th, 2008 at 2:13 AM.
As a consumer nation, Americans love to do stupid shit. Buying it, speaking it, or doing it — we’re all guilty. Many fads have created and changed American pop-culture. Some for the better, but a staggering amount for the worse. We are here to bring you a list of what we think were some of worst fads to be introduced to American culture.
#1. Pogs
Originally started in Hawaii, this past-time (or waste thereof) was all the rage throughout middle school in the height of its popularity circa mid 1990. It should have been a warning that a Canadian game company publicized the game, or the fact that people were excited to turn over pieces of cardboard with a slab of metal (for you enthusiasts — a slammer).
The premise was to stack a bunch of circular cardboard cutouts and use a slammer (heavier pogs generally made of metal or sometimes plastic [for low income families]) to flip as many as possible upside-down.
I was an unfortunate victim of the game’s wrath until it was classified as gambling throughout most of North America.It was cool for a couple weeks, but people started to take it way to seriously. I once made a guy cry because I took one of his ‘best’ slammers and never gave it back. Poor kid. He currently mows lawns for a living and loves it. Such is life.
Some 3rd world countries are just hearing about it…
#2. Pet Rocks
Where do I begin with this stupid gimmick? Find a rock, put it in a bunch of fake moss, give it a birth certificate, then sell it to the public. Sounds like a horrible idea right? The creator (Gary Dahl) certainly made a killing by selling over 5 million of these before people realized how much they sucked.
I should start selling petrified feces in boxes. Throw some moss in there and add some four leaf clovers and claim it’s origination dates back to Jerusalem biblical figures.
I don’t even think I’d release a Moses just to throw avid collectors off.
#3. Tamagotchi
Tamagotchi, Gigapet, Piece of Garbage — whatever you chose to call it, these things SUCKED. Every pre-teen girl who couldn’t convince their parents to buy them a REAL pet settled for this sad substitute. The thing was basically a hand held computerized pet, which would die if you didn’t keep feeding it every 30 minutes. That’s an awesome concept to teach young children; if you don’t service your addiction regularly, you’re gonna die.
#4. Rollerblading
I really don’t know where to begin with this. I wish I could, but honestly, this makes Soap Shoes look cool. I remember my rollerblading phase. It consisted of me biting the pavement twice and shredding the meat off of my chin in the exact same spot. Six stitches later, and I was good to go. Even growing up as a kid, I could never see how shoes with wheels looked cool when someone would do a trick with them on. I can see how they may make you “feel” cool while you’re in mid-air and doing a flurly-mc-twist-back-shuvit, but if anything, these make you look like a spaz.
#5. Fanny Packs
Who besides Hulk Hogan still wears one of these? Actually, you’d be surprised of how many people are actually trying to bring back this relic of a bygone era. Just take a stroll through Wal-Mart one day, or hang out at the race-track and you’ll be bound to find some poor soul who either thinks it’s convenient, or bad-ass. I hope for the former, but expect the latter.
#6. Checks *
O.K. — who the hell still uses these? For some reason with the improvements in technology and ease of payment options, some asshole still decides to march around stores with a plastic bag containing:
- A bruised banana
- Beanie from the 1980’s recently purchased from a garage sale
- Skid Row poster rolled up and poking through one side
- TIMEX light-up 100 meter underwater watch
- A fucking checkbook.
It seems with whatever job that I work at, there is always “that person” who asks if we accept checks. You know something has become so obsolete when you have to make sure that it is still being accepted. Generally I scorn at the thought, but keep a straight “business professional” face on. If you have a checkbook, it’d be in your best interest to burn it. Not only does it piss off the people who have to verify the checks, it pisses off everyone in line waiting for all your 8 forms of identification that need to be presented during the process, as well as yourself. It pisses you off and you know it because you still write checks.
Maybe you don’t feel comfortable walking around with cash in your pocket — or you just had a shitty credit score and can’t get issued a credit card. Whatever the case may be, do everyone a favor and rid yourself of the hassle of owning a checkbook.
* Due to the many negative comments directed at LOLATTACK for adding this to the list, it has therefore been honorably discharged. We have teamed up with ChecksInTheMail once we alerted them of this dilemma. Therefore, for every order you place with the coupon code “LOLChecks”, you will receive 20% off your order.
#7. Beanie Babies
Beanie Babies and some other lame toys
A Beanie Baby is essentially a fancy bean bag in the form of a stuffed animal and became popular circa 1995. Many designs were retired to make them a hotter collector’s item. That marketing campaign took a dive when they were retiring half of their line which alerted people that it was all a publicity stunt to inflate sales. This was a precursor to all the fake Gucci/Versace/Coach shit you now see. Some people actually went as far to counterfeit these things.
A St. Louis Park couple who smuggled counterfeit Beanie Babies into the U.S. and sold them on the Internet were sentenced Thursday in federal court in Minneapolis. Read the rest of the story here »
#8. Stupid Witty Retorts
These were the WORST! Words like “Psyche!”, “Not!”, “Duh!” amongst others were NOT witty, funny, or anything in between.
Some examples used in a conversation:
Psyche
Hayden: Yo Johnny! I’m going to shit my pants!!
Johnny: Whoa man hold on! Wait until I pull over to the side of the road first!
Hayden: PSYCHE!
NOT!
Johnny: Hey Suzy, you are really pretty 
Suzy: Aww thanks Johnny! You’re so sweet
Johnny: NOT!
DUH!
Johnny: Hayden, we need to stand in line for Star Wars tickets before they sell out
Hayden: Duuuuh! (emphasis on the “uh”)
#9. Bowl Cuts
The Bowl Cut is created by cutting the hair at the top in a circular line around the head. The hair below this cutting line is clipped to 1/8 - 1/4 in. and follows the traditional men’s cut at the perimeter.
In other words: your haircut is going to suck.
Posted in: lists
Tags: , bowl cuts, checks, duh, fads, fanny packs, pet rocks, pogs, psyche, retorts, rollerblading, tamagotchi
February 22nd, 2008 at 5:27 PM.
If you are wondering what February is significant for, the answer is obvious. What better month out of the year when jack shit is happening than to reflect on the unity between the brothers and sisters from the great state of Africa.
Many retailers are joining in on the celebration as well. Walgreens wanted to incorporate black culture into their stores whilst honoring this spectacular celebratory month. This is the result:
Good to see they are featuring the “Jumbo Cotton Balls”
Posted in: news, pictures
Tags: black history, racism, walgreens
February 19th, 2008 at 2:42 AM.
What would happen if some recognizable celebrities that we all know and don’t love obtained some sweet new looks? We’re talking big noses, beady eyes, and some inverted mouths…
Read more »
Posted in: news, pictures
Tags: extreme makeover, fifty cent, tom brady, tom cruise, will smith
February 18th, 2008 at 11:41 PM.
What happens when your girlfriend dumps you? You go nuts. On a message board. The documented downward spiral is linked below to the complete picture for your viewing pleasure (click on the image to view the rest).
(Click here or on the image to enlarge and view the rest…)
Posted in: pictures
Tags: depressing, forum member, loser
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